The Journal of MeDiscovering — Chapter One

I decided to live alone. Left my parents' house for the first time as an adult at the age of 28. At first, I thought that living alone might help me to grasp all the possibilities in every social and career-related event. I just realized all of that possibilities are illusions of my grandeur.

The first week. The first week was the hardest. I kept asking myself whether my choice to live alone was right while battling myself with loneliness. I thought I was ready for the loneliness. Being an adult means that you have to be ready to be alone. Left out. I already have the experience of being alone since my younger days but only now that I feel like I have never really mattered.

I choose to take a step back. Focus on me. I realize that I have to discover myself. Not only what I want or need. I have to know who I am and what am I? The only thing that I can do is to do things that I liked the most, which requires me to go somewhere alone. To enjoy the scenery of people having fun while the sun basking on them. To feel the breeze that brought the smell of the wet grass, and I did.

Last Saturday was the first time I do things alone since God knows when. I stopped trying to ask people to meet me. I decided to make my own choices and mistakes myself. I have never been feel fulfilled before. walked, waited, and did other things just to make me feel exhausted with life and wanted to go to bed. I even had a nice dinner with my brother. However, it hasn’t been effective at all. Still find it so hard to fall asleep.

Maybe I’m still afraid that I’m going crazy. Maybe I already am. Maybe it’s just a matter of time but there’s nothing I can do other than to keep on moving. Keep trying to discover me. This is only the beginning. No matter what you say or perceive, I won’t stop now.