Unprecedented Log

I think there’s a reason why the past is something that will always come back to us. This is a personal opinion, you may not think as it is. So, I’m sorry in advance if this makes you uncomfortable. In my case, the past offers tragic events and meaningful glories. Those two elements become residents in my head and they pretty much do as they like. They often act as some kind of barrier because all the glory gives me a sense that I did best and nothing tops it off. No one will ever top it off, which is untrue. The sad things cover me in fear. That’s pretty normal. No one would’ve wanted to be in a devastating position, over and over again. Even for a donkey as the old saying goes.

For what happened to me at the moment, sometimes I put the blame on my upbringing. I was raised to be rational and religious at the same time. it seems weird because those two are exact opposites to each other but then “find the easy way out” and “be patience” are my go-to attitudes because of them teachings. However, as I grew up, I’m attracted to become a creative person. But I’ve never been taught how to be. I don’t know how if I’m being lazy or having a writer’s block. All I have to do is that I need to get things done, period. And that’s the issue that I’m currently dealing with now.

It’s always nice to finish the work as it is, as a product. That’s the way I treat my works recently. I put all the clock with bare minimum thoughts. At first, I didn’t bother me until I feel like I wanted more or needed to do more. I found that my works are unappealing. If they considered as foods, they’re only cooked. There is no nice presentation of colours like ketchup or salsa verde on that line of foods. The worst thing is that they got no nutrition. With that in mind, I can never look back at what I’ve done these past few years. There is no some sort of trace of ideas, style, or even approach to be the foundation. All I can be proud of is about the work that I did in my college years.

I complain almost every day. I know it bores me out but I keep doing it. I keep doing it because of how clueless I am. I don’t know what to do but I know what I can do, though I don’t believe in myself that I’d be able to do it. And I hope this piece of writing will be the place that I can look back at of how determined I am. What will happen next, will I become more than I am today or succumb to defeat? I hope you happy to be the judge out of it.